The massive damage to an afflicted individual in childhood, as a whole, changes their very essence in ways that are not innate to the human animal. They become ill as they undergo more neurological damage than the human mind can tolerate, and in doing so react by modifying the structure of their personality through the process of structural dissociation.
Misconceptions, personal bias, media sources, and various forms of denial have worked together to distort the presentation, epidemiology and etiology of dissociative identity disorder, a mental illness often associated with extreme and early child abuse and neglect, and the spread of misinformation has been going on for decades. To confuse dissociative identity disorder with any other disorder, such as other specified dissociative disorder (OSDD), confuses the afflicted, and their therapists and slows the progress of research.
Dissociative identity disorder is caused by an inability to fully integrate states, and that function is believed to take place prior to age four, and certainly by age five.
“Child abuse is a human epidemic that is destroying the human race at a pace that far exceeds that of any disease man-kind has ever been faced with.”
– van der Kolk
One day a girl met a boy, and that boy said to the girl, I am sorry. The girl asked why he was sorry, and the boy said, I am sorry because I abused you. The boy was confused and he asked what she meant by that. She replied.
When you were an infant I did not sooth you enough. The boy said, but you and I are the same age. The girl then said, when you were a toddler, I did not love you enough. They confused boy again explained the two children where the same age. The little girl then said, if I were your mother, then I would have loved you more than the days are long, and if I were your father the days would not have been long enough for me to love you enough.
The boy then said, you are my friend Mary and I will be your Father, and your Mother. The girl then said, and I will be yours.
When I was a child, and you were my mother, I was repulsed by your inability to perform the most basic of human acts – kindness to an infant.
When I was a child, and you were my father, I was repulsed by your inability to protects, which is an act even the most primitive of mammals are capable of.
When I was a child, and you were my grandmother, I was repulsed by your in action as you saw my distress.
When I was a child, and you were my grandfather, I was repulsed by how you aided in my abuse.
Now I am the mother, the father, the grandmother, the grandfather, I struggle with the most basic of acts – forgiveness.
Terror once is enough, but in the Dissociative Disorders, terror is unyielding, playing out over and over again in the most horrific of ways. It takes every experience of life that is noticed and addresses it as a terrorized person, and in the case of dissociative identity disorder, as a terrified young child. .
Today is my last day,
I want it that way,
swing as I cry,
bare feet in the sky,
when i let go,
Father will know,
finally i’m free,
to be tiny me,
soaring up high,
i give one last sigh,
leaves circle ’round,
fall far to the ground,
no longer alive,
no longer survive.
When I was a Grandfather, my Grandson said to me, “son do what is right and never stray from that.”
When I was a Grandmother, my Grandson said to me, “girl do what is right and never stray from that.”
When I was a child my Grandparents said this. “Child we know your parents are abusive, but there is nothing we can do.”
When I grew up, I said this to my grandchildren. “If your parents are abusive, then I fear it’s my fault. If your Mother cannot love you, then I take the blame. If your Father cannot hold you and care for you, then that’s my fault too.”
Then my Grandchild looked at me and asked, “Grandmamma how can you be responsible for both my Mother and Father.”
She replied, “because if I was loving to your Mother, she would choose a good father. It is how humans behave.”
But Grandmamma, “how can that always be true,” my Granddaughter asked.
Grandmamma smiled and said, “dear child, it just is.”
If I were a King and you were a Queen, and you were a Prince, and I was a Princess, who would be the greatest of all, she asked.
He replied, if you were a King, then I would be your servant, and if you were a Queen, then I would be your partner, and if you were a Princess, then I would be your Knight in Shining Armor, and if you were the greatest of all, then I would proudly stand by your side.
Then she said, if I were a King, then I would want you to lead me, and if I were a Queen I would proudly serve you as my King, and if I were a Princess then I would lovingly accept you as my Prince, and if I were the greatest of all, I would be nothing without you by my side.
~ Catherine referring to how the personality states inside need to learn to cooperate.
When I was a baby, I was broken, and when I was a toddler, I was broken still and more, and when I was a kindergartner I was on the mend, but only because there were adults with me that showed me what an adult should be like.
I say hurray for the teachers, hooray for the policemen, hooray for the lawyers and all those that try their hardest to keep abused children safe.